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reasonsmysoniscrying:

3yo (after discovering the flap in the front of his underpants): “It’s a secret passage…TO MY PENIS!”

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ouyangdan:

leggywillow:

truezodiacfact:

Moth pit

My reaction to this gif went from stone-faced “this is dumb” to full-on snickering gleefully in about fifteen seconds.

you can’t just drop shit like this on my dash i hurt myself laughing

ouyangdan:

leggywillow:

truezodiacfact:

Moth pit

My reaction to this gif went from stone-faced “this is dumb” to full-on snickering gleefully in about fifteen seconds.

you can’t just drop shit like this on my dash i hurt myself laughing

(via dollface-who)

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(Source: weheartit.com, via realizes)

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nicklugo:

Spanish is a beautiful language. You don’t say “I love you” in Spanish, you say “yo quiero comer culo” which translates to “you are the light of my life” which I think is one of the most beautiful things to say to someone

Thaaaat’s not what that means…

(via zackisontumblr)

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merlinsbearditsthedoctor:

scottish:

remember when these pieces of shit were everywhere and they were the best thing ever
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and when you were too old to play with them you would just randomly move one when no one was looking

(via ruinedchildhood)

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(Source: weheartit.com, via realizes)

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"When someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them."

Lemony SnicketHorseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid (via disappolnted)

(Source: feellng, via feellng)

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"

One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.

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Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love”  (via dissapolnted)

I’m not usually one to repost this stuff, but damn.

(Source: feellng, via feellng)

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the-time-goddess-of-221b:

bard-of-time-will-be-late:

mori-ar-ti:

my mom was playing world of warcraft and someone said “fuck off” and she said “such language” and the next person said “very swear” and the next said “much offensive” and basically my mom started crying and blamed me

WoW.

Did you just

(via zackisontumblr)